Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
