He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
