i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
