Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
