I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
