Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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