70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
