Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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