i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
