my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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