i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
