So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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