Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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