stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
