I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
