New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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