If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize