I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
