Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
