I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
