You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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