the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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