i don't like sucking hair
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
