Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
