so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
