In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
