Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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