his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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