She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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