What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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