Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So much Jack, so little girl.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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