Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
