u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
