I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
