Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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