the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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