I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
