Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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