I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
