The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
