We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
