We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
