I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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