Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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