why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize