I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
