my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
