I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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