I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
