I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
