i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
