Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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