Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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