She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
