Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
