tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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