this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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