I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
